217 apologies and the word she puts before every ask
 
If you have been asking for something and it has not arrived, look at the language you use on the way to it. A role. A raise. A conversation that changes things. Open your sent folder. Search “sorry.” Count the results.
In 2010, researchers at the University of Waterloo gave 66 people a diary and asked them to record every apology for 12 days. Women logged 217 apologies. Men logged 158. Both groups apologized about 81 percent of the time when they believed they had done something wrong. The difference: women believed more things were wrong. Every “sorry” before a request sends a signal — to the room and to yourself — that you are not sure you belong in it. If you are becoming the version of you who receives what she asked for, start here. This word is the gap between who you are and who she is.
 01 
 
The word before the ask
 
You know the sentences. You have typed them this week.
“Sorry, I know you’re busy.” “Sorry to bother you.” “Sorry, this might be a dumb question.” “Sorry, but I think…”
None of these are apologies. They are permissions. You are asking the other person to forgive you for taking up space before you have taken up any space at all.
The version of you that stopped.
She does not swallow the sentence. She does not hold back the question. She types it and sends it without the preamble. “I have a question.” “Do you have five minutes tomorrow?” “I think we should revisit this.” Same ask. No apology attached.
She did not become louder.
She did not become aggressive. She did not become a different person. She removed one word from the front of the sentence. That is the entire change. The email still has the same tone. It is polite. It is clear. It does not begin with a small act of self-erasure.
What to do tonight.
Open your drafts or your most recent sent message. Find the word “sorry.” Read the sentence without it. If the sentence still makes sense — and it will — the sorry was not for them. It was a habit of shrinking before you spoke. Removing it is not a confidence trick. It is how you practice being the person who is allowed to receive what she asked for.
She removed one word from the front of the sentence. That is the entire change.
 02 
 
Where it goes wrong
 
She replaces sorry with a longer apology.
“I hope I’m not overstepping.” “I know this isn’t my place, but.” She swaps the word for a full sentence that does the same job. The goal is not finding a softer version. The goal is sending the ask without a disclaimer in front of it.
She confuses politeness with shrinking.
Removing the apology does not make you rude. “Do you have time to review this by Friday?” is polite. It is direct. It does not begin with an apology for the act of asking. Politeness and self-erasure are not the same thing.
She only notices the big sorrys.
The ones that matter are small. “Sorry, can I squeeze past?” “Sorry, one more thing.” “Sorry, go ahead.” The small ones train the voice. They teach it that every sentence needs a ticket before it is allowed to leave your mouth.
 03 
 
The older version
 
In Japanese tradition, there is a concept called kotodama — the belief that words carry spiritual power. The term appears in the Manyoshu, Japan’s oldest poetry collection, compiled around 759 CE. Japan itself was called “the land of fortunate word spirits” — kotodama no sakiwau kuni.
The idea is plain. The words you speak shape the world you move through. A word said with intention becomes a force. A word repeated without thought still carries weight — it trains the mouth and the mind at the same time.
Under kotodama, “sorry” said 217 times in 12 days is not a social reflex. It is 217 repetitions of a message that says: I owe you something for the act of existing here.
Kotodama says the word you repeat becomes the world you build.
 04 
 
What we’re seeing
 
A Gmail plugin was built to catch the word before you send it.
In 2015, developer Tami Reiss launched a Chrome extension that catches apologetic language before you press send. It underlines “sorry,” “I think,” “does that make sense,” and “I’m no expert” in red. It was downloaded 53,000 times in its first weeks. She built it after watching an Amy Schumer skit about accomplished women who could not stop apologizing.
Source: Gulf News; Cyrus Innovation, 2015
55 percent of apologies go from woman to woman.
In a New Zealand study that recorded naturally occurring conversations, Janet Holmes found that over half of all apologies were from women to other women. Only 17 percent went from men to women.
Source: Holmes, Victoria University of Wellington, 1990s
British women use “I’m sorry” more often than expected.
A 2024 corpus study analyzed four apology expressions across British English. Women used “I’m sorry” significantly more than expected. Men used “my bad” more than expected. The style differs. The pattern holds across decades and countries.
Source: Carnegie Mellon, Majallat, 2024
 05 
 
What the universe is doing this week
 
Venus stations retrograde on Saturday, October 3rd, in Scorpio. Venus governs what you value and how you let yourself be valued. In Scorpio, the review goes deep. The retrograde lasts 42 days through November 14th.
The moon is waning gibbous tonight, heading toward last quarter on October 3rd — the same day Venus turns. The new moon arrives October 10th in Libra. Mercury stays direct until October 24th.
Venus retrograde is not a reason to stop asking. It is the season to notice what you say before you ask. Remove the word that does not belong there before Saturday.
Your next step:
Send one email tonight without “sorry” at the top. One ask, no apology in front of it. Notice how it feels to let the sentence stand on its own.
Remember, abundance is your birthright.